How to move on when you know you deserve better?
Stunned, you sit in disbelief. You've just opened an email from HIM breaking yet another date! You swear to yourself that this is the LAST TIME you're going to settle for this! He's nice, cute, and fun in the sack, but he's also unreliable, distant and immature...so why are you still with him? The questions spiral in your head: Why are you wasting your time with this "ok, pseudo-relationship?" Are you meant to be alone? Why are good men so unbelievably hard to find, and IS THIS REALLY HOW YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
While the above example illustrates a woman whose needs are not being met, it could have easily been the other way around. Both men and women share with us that, at times, their fears of being alone take over, and they end up spending good time in the wrong relationships. The question to ask yourself here is, "what are you getting out of these experiences? Is it the partner, or the destination that you're so invested in?"
You have every right to ask your partner to meet your needs. If they choose to ignore your requests you then have a choice too : suffer in silence or be treated with respect.
When a time like this come to you, you are standing at the crossroads of "doormat way" and "long and lonely road", and it's time to question yourself about what you really want.
In any relationship, realizing that you're just not right for each other can be painful, and challenging. The first step is to determine what you really want to do. Are you reacting to not getting what you want, or is this legitimately a bad situation for you? The following steps can help you to choose what is best. Once you know what you truly want, then you can take the necessary steps to get it once and for all.
Play Fair
When we're upset, even if we have the best of intentions, talking often turns into arguing. We all dislike fighting, tears and other negative emotions. Stay calm; be gentle and honest with yourself and your partner. Now is not the time for accusatory comments and blame. Diplomacy and tact will soothe their pride and your conscious.
Create a situation you can be proud of in the end.
If you feel that you can't communicate without causing a fight or making a scene, write a letter about your feelings first. This will release the most intense negative emotions about your not-so-memorable experiences with them so that you can talk about your decision rationally.
Look at the bigger picture
Where do you want to be in a year, 5 years, or 10 years? Are you walking a path that will, or could, lead you to your goals? If you don't think this relationship can ultimately bring you the things that you really desire, what do you want to do? If you find yourself wanting to stay, hoping things will change, then you need to ask yourself why? Are you worried that this is as good as it can get? If so, then on some level you're saying to yourself that you don't deserve, or cannot have, the things you truly want in life. Feelings like this usually need some outside support to help you let them go.
Trust that your partner will be honest when you ask him/her to give you what you want.
It's quite easy to hear what we hope to be true, when we finally talk to our partners about what we want for our love life. The question to ask yourself is, "are you hearing the truth, or what you're hoping to be the truth?" Regardless of how you word your questions, they key is to listen to what you hear : Does your partner avoid your questions, are they unsure, and does their response match what you were hoping to hear?
Remember that, on some level, timing is everything.
Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, and there is a time and a place for everything. Try to plan your "talk" for a time when your partner is open to your concerns, and when you're able to best give them what they need. This will encourage them to give you what you need.
Lastly, is this conversation appropriate for the stage of dating that you're in? While many couples do not follow the traditional stage model for dating, we all nevertheless have to experience the stages, even if they are out of order.
Accept the fact that it is natural to feel depressed when you're considering ending a relationship.
Take care of yourself. Be optimistic. This is great opportunity to grow and be proud of yourself that you're not settling for, yet again, the wrong relationship. While this process by no means guarantees that your relationship will end; it does guarantee that you will ask for what you truly want, and risk getting it! Above all, make sure you have the best support around you that you can: people you can talk with, cry with, who will not judge you.
Stunned, you sit in disbelief. You've just opened an email from HIM breaking yet another date! You swear to yourself that this is the LAST TIME you're going to settle for this! He's nice, cute, and fun in the sack, but he's also unreliable, distant and immature...so why are you still with him? The questions spiral in your head: Why are you wasting your time with this "ok, pseudo-relationship?" Are you meant to be alone? Why are good men so unbelievably hard to find, and IS THIS REALLY HOW YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
While the above example illustrates a woman whose needs are not being met, it could have easily been the other way around. Both men and women share with us that, at times, their fears of being alone take over, and they end up spending good time in the wrong relationships. The question to ask yourself here is, "what are you getting out of these experiences? Is it the partner, or the destination that you're so invested in?"
You have every right to ask your partner to meet your needs. If they choose to ignore your requests you then have a choice too : suffer in silence or be treated with respect.
When a time like this come to you, you are standing at the crossroads of "doormat way" and "long and lonely road", and it's time to question yourself about what you really want.
In any relationship, realizing that you're just not right for each other can be painful, and challenging. The first step is to determine what you really want to do. Are you reacting to not getting what you want, or is this legitimately a bad situation for you? The following steps can help you to choose what is best. Once you know what you truly want, then you can take the necessary steps to get it once and for all.
Play Fair
When we're upset, even if we have the best of intentions, talking often turns into arguing. We all dislike fighting, tears and other negative emotions. Stay calm; be gentle and honest with yourself and your partner. Now is not the time for accusatory comments and blame. Diplomacy and tact will soothe their pride and your conscious.
Create a situation you can be proud of in the end.
If you feel that you can't communicate without causing a fight or making a scene, write a letter about your feelings first. This will release the most intense negative emotions about your not-so-memorable experiences with them so that you can talk about your decision rationally.
Look at the bigger picture
Where do you want to be in a year, 5 years, or 10 years? Are you walking a path that will, or could, lead you to your goals? If you don't think this relationship can ultimately bring you the things that you really desire, what do you want to do? If you find yourself wanting to stay, hoping things will change, then you need to ask yourself why? Are you worried that this is as good as it can get? If so, then on some level you're saying to yourself that you don't deserve, or cannot have, the things you truly want in life. Feelings like this usually need some outside support to help you let them go.
Trust that your partner will be honest when you ask him/her to give you what you want.
It's quite easy to hear what we hope to be true, when we finally talk to our partners about what we want for our love life. The question to ask yourself is, "are you hearing the truth, or what you're hoping to be the truth?" Regardless of how you word your questions, they key is to listen to what you hear : Does your partner avoid your questions, are they unsure, and does their response match what you were hoping to hear?
Remember that, on some level, timing is everything.
Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, and there is a time and a place for everything. Try to plan your "talk" for a time when your partner is open to your concerns, and when you're able to best give them what they need. This will encourage them to give you what you need.
Lastly, is this conversation appropriate for the stage of dating that you're in? While many couples do not follow the traditional stage model for dating, we all nevertheless have to experience the stages, even if they are out of order.
Accept the fact that it is natural to feel depressed when you're considering ending a relationship.
Take care of yourself. Be optimistic. This is great opportunity to grow and be proud of yourself that you're not settling for, yet again, the wrong relationship. While this process by no means guarantees that your relationship will end; it does guarantee that you will ask for what you truly want, and risk getting it! Above all, make sure you have the best support around you that you can: people you can talk with, cry with, who will not judge you.
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